Turkey, Part 8: A Rainy Day; Strange Excursion To A Hamami! (classic Turkish Bath/Spa)

 All caught up! Today is Thursday, April 27th. It is a very rainy day outside. I have been fortunate so far; I was told by Baris that spring rains in April are quite common. It rained a bit in the afternoon yesterday, but all the preceeding days of my visit have been lovely and clear. So... I cannot be TOO distressed by the fact that my luck ran out today... the rain is consistent, along with the cold. 

So... what better choice for the day than to go experience a traditional Turkish bathhouse, otherwise known as a "hamami"? Thus it was that I set out to have this classic experience on my last day here in Turkey (I fly out, and on to Rome, early tomorrow morning.) 

The first amusing thing about this excursion was my Uber driver, Ilhun. An attractive man in his 50's, he was clearly tickled to be able to practice his fairly decent English with me. (In the 15 minute ride to the Hamami, I learned that his ex-girlfriend of a few years was British). I couldn't tell if he was flirting, being friendly, or being a chauvinist... as this is how the conversation went:

"Hello dear, nice to meet you! Where are you from?"

"I am American... loving being here...Istanbul is beautiful!" 

"Oh, glad you think so...and so are YOU!"

"Ha ha... well, thank you...!"

Yah, baby, so where are you going today?!" 

"To the Cicili Hamami...shows on your map, right?"

"Yes... well... and...how old are you?" (yes, incredible that I am getting asked this yet AGAIN! When I queried Nagehan about it, she too was surprised, and told me that, like in the U.S., in Turkey it is ALSO considered impolite to ask a woman her age!!)

"You know, it is not polite to ask a woman this...especially an older one!"

"Oh...ok..."

(I change the subject, ask why his English is so good...this is when he tells me about the British ex...)

"You know you can call me any time!" 

"Ohhhkay....do you have a card?"

"No, baby, but I can give you my Whatsapp number..." 

And so he did. I found the frequent "baby" and "dear" irritating, but I let it go...he was a character, and it was so nice to find an English-speaking driver! I DID wind up using him for the airport run... more about that later.. 

So it was that Ilhun dropped me at the Cicili Hamami, and so it was also that I was in for a major disappointment. 

Turkish "bath", eh!?!? WHAT a misnomer!!! I was picturing being submerged in a lovely, claw-foot tub... no such luck! 

First of all, I could tell immediately--upon setting foot in this place--that is was a low-end and low-class hamami. This was NOT surprising: It was, after all, on the working class side of Istanbul, and not on the posh, touristic European side, where every hamami Nagehan and I looked at together was prohibitively expensive. Still... I did not expect it to be SO dumpy and low-vibe!

I was greeted by a strange, shrunken woman with really bad teeth. She told me she only took cash, most dismayingly... I had few lyra left (intentionally, since I leave tomorrow...) So... I had to eliminate the "bubble scrub" and shampoo. Hmmm... that left me with the bath and sauna, and the exfoliating scrub. 

So... after glancing around at the rather seedy-looking assortment of Turkish women, I went into my room, undressed, and wrapped myself with a thin cloth wrap. I was then led to the "bathing room", which was simply a large, very hot room, with nooks all around the sides. I was led into one such nook, where I was instructed to "bathe" myself by filling this marble basin (the size of a large sink) with water and pouring it over my head with a plastic scoop. Not luxurious or even different, since I have taken multitudes of "bucket baths" in India, and this was simply a variation on the theme! (By the way, this place wasn't exactly cheap, either... I still paid 275 lyra for it, or what amounted to about $16. Hardly worth it, that is for sure!!!) Then, I went into the sauna, which was nothing extraordinary at all. The "body scrub" that followed WAS extraordinary, but in a horrifying, traumatizing sort of way!

I was approached by a gargantuan, old Turkish woman, SO fat that her huge mound of belly fat drooped to about mid-thigh. Dear reader, I SWEAR to you that I am NOT exaggerating! This woman was seriously grotesque, seriously ugly and mannish... AND, to make matters worse, she was wearing what was clearly the standard uniform of a black bikini! See what I mean?!?! Horrifying. 

She proceeded to take a smelly, scratchy black mit to my body, and scrub me down with the vigor of an alley cat, hell-bent on tearing me to pieces!!! It hurt! It was MOST unpleasant and terrifying! She was FAST! And I was in such distress that I couldn't even remember what parts she covered...and would swear she missed one arm and an opposite leg, so intent was she--clearly--to get it over with as quickly as possible. Fine by me!!! I simply couldn't believe I paid MONEY for this torture!!! Then, bathing myself again... stealing a bar of cheap soap (not nice-smelling at all!!) from a neighboring basin. After sitting for awhile gawking at other fat women getting scrubbed and bubbled on the giant octagonal slab in the center of the room, I think one of the other staff women took pity on me, because she came over to my basin with a tiny bit of shampoo and offered to shampoo my head. I gratefully accepted (since, as I was missing 25 lyra, I was told, "no shampoo! no bubbles!!") However, I soon lost my appreciation. It was cheap shampoo, like the cheap soap, and my "shampooing" must have lasted all of 90 seconds. MOST disappointing, once again! 

Bottom line?? I couldn't wait to get out of there!! The pictures HAD to have been touched up in a major way...they LOOK nice, but aren't accurate at all. The place was old, shabby, and clearly a poor woman's joint, for good reason. It was definitely a "must miss", but hey, chalk it up to experience on a cold and rainy day!!!

I also realized I had forgotten my borrowed umbrella in Ilhun's cab...bless his heart, he quickly returned it to me, just as I arrived (in a different Uber) back at the apartment. So...I told him he could give me the ride to the airport on Friday. 

The day ended nicely, though: Nagehan prepared a wondeful meal for us all, and Barish and I settled in to watch the old Stephen King classic of "Carrie". And so ended my mostly quite  wonderful stay in Istanbul! 

The central room where it all happened... No idea what the black things are... they were NOT present when I was there! And the photo doesn't reveal the shabbiness...either it was seriously altered, or else the photo is 60 years old!! 

Clever, the photographer who did the enhancements, making this place look ten times nicer than it actually was! 

This exterior photo is the only one that is actually an accurate depiction of the place.